15 MARCH 2008

Hello and welcome to Ned's News. I'm Ned Brown.

Whoa! What a night I had last night. I ended up in TWO hospital emergency departments.

The drama began well before dinner. Mum says I was AGAIN out-of-control after childcare. She thinks I'm too excited to be home and am just trying to get her attention while she's busy cooking dinner. We had fights from the moment I got out of the car again. I just wanted to run around the apartment block driveway. It's fun! But oh no, she harped on at the top of her voice about how dangerous it was, and then she insisted on picking me up so of course I bit and hit her repeatedly. Any self-respecting kid would! So I got in big trouble for that, then I got in big trouble for trying to play chase on the stairs again. I screamed and cried at the top of my voice to try and get some sympathy but no one came out of their apartments to cuddle me.

Then I wouldn't eat dinner or sit down in the bath when Mum told me to. I tried to make her laugh by tipping a bucket of water on her, but she just yelled again. Then I fell over -- who knew the bath was slippery?!? So then I cried. That finally made Mummy cuddle me.

Then the real trouble began. I decided to make Mummy laugh by putting a pea inside my nose. She didn't laugh and in my disappointment, instead of pulling it out, I accidentally pushed it in... RIGHT IN. Mummy said it was lucky that I told her (translation: "peeeeeee...hoseeeeee..oh oh") or else it'd be up there forever rotting away!

Mum called Aunty Peta partly because she's a nurse but mostly because it's the EXACT thing William would do. She told us we had to go to the hospital to get it out. That almost made Mummy cry. She harped at me that she was 9 months pregnant and exhausted and the last thing she needed after hours of fighting was to again wrestle and fight me into the car.

We arrived at the Childrens' Hospital and the waiting room was full. For 3/4 hour, Mummy alternated between chasing me as I tore in and out of emergency cubicles and standing at the counter with her ankles and feet swelling by the minute. Then when she finally reached the front of the line, a nurse came out and said there'd been an emergency and it would take hours to catch up to everyone in the waiting room...

So we (including Dad who'd arrived by now) left and drove around and around and around looking for medical centres. We passed plenty of 24 hour McDonalds, but NO 24-hour medical centres exist in Melb!!! I kept suggesting that they just pull over and buy me some chips and we'd all be happy, but they wouldn't listen.

During all this, Mum got a completely innocent text message from Uncle Pete asking how she felt. Mum is highly suspicous of his influence on me because HE put a pea up his nose when he was little too. He's so funny!

By 9.30pm, we went to an adult hospital and a nurse simply lay me down, closed off my clear nostril, put her mouth over men and blew and the pea shot straight out!!!!!! It was amazing!

Mummy kept whinging that all the effort and tiredness was causing her really bad stomach cramps. She actually thought she was going into labour, but they stopped once she got to bed.

I gave her lots of kisses and cuddles today, and I even came home from the pool without objecting. I ate up all my dinner. She wouldn't give me any peas. Then I was an angel all the way to sleep time.

That is all the news for today.

Hello and welcome to Ned's News. I'm Ned Brown.

I'm still an only child. Mummy promised me a playmate in March but March has come and gone and she's still just fat. She just sits on the couch all the time too, so SHE'S not even being a playmate to me. Dad says it's cos the baby is getting too good a deal on the inside with all the chocolate Mum is eating, which it knows it won't get once it comes out.

On a brighter note, we have a maid. She arrived two weeks ago and really, really looks like Nanny. She even answers to Nanny, but she's doing all the washing and ironing and cleaning up and EVERYTHING while Mum just sits on her big behind so she must be a maid. But we're not paying her? Sometimes I see Mummy try and buy her a coffee but then they argue, which I didn't think employees should do with their bosses. Actually, I've seen the maid try to give Mummy money at the grocery shop. What sort of employee pays the boss? I'm  very confused.

My favourite book at the moment is Go Dog Go. I've learnt something very, very useful from it. You see, it has big dogs and little dogs driving around in cars and they have to stop at the red lights and go on the green lights. So now I help Mummy and Daddy whenever we're driving. We have to drive through the city to get to childcare. There are LOTS of lights in the city. So each time I yell out Go Go Green! and STOPPPPPPP! OH OH RED STOP! Gran took me to her house for a sleep over last weekend. Her house is almost the equivalent of driving from Toowoomba to Brisbane (time-wise, not distance) I helped her with the lights ALL THE WAY! I'm very, very helpful.

That is all the news for today... unless Mum decides to come through with that playmate.